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Choosing the right neighbourhood for you in Berlin

Ah Berlin, where to start? You glorious, sprawling behemoth of a city; a riddle, wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, wrapped in a kebab. When visiting most big cities, the first thing many people do is go to the highest point to see the city from above. Of course this is also possible in Berlin, but really, the beauty, grime, glory and quirkiness of Berlin is best seen at ground level – from the street art to the vast green spaces, from the architecture to the history of this once divided city – everywhere you look, there’s something new to be discovered so life here never gets dull. Unless you’re dull – then even Berlin can’t save you. But you’re not visiting; you’re here to stay so you’ve got a big decision ahead of you.

Which area is right for me?

In this imposing metropolis, how do you find the cosy, arty, family-friendly, cheap, green, alternative, gentrified, diverse, expat-welcoming, start-up sodden, sex-clubbing or techno-y corner that’s right for you? Because Berlin is all of these things and more. So, if you’re a family with small kids, you probably don’t want to live in an area full of bars and clubs, or where men in assless chaps walk past your window on a regular basis. (“Mummy, why can’t I go to Kindergarten dressed like that?” “Erm…”)

Love your Kiez

The Berliner Schnauze (or typical Berliner attitude, which you may come to find endearing) is everywhere so don’t let that be a factor. Berlin is divided into 16 districts (Bezirke) which are further divided into Kieze or neighbourhoods and, in Berlin, the Kiez is king and each has its own charms – or lack thereof. Your Kiez is where you will be spending most of your time and some people rarely venture outside theirs. Some are filled with cafes, restaurants, yoga studios, galleries, wine bars, and yummy mummies who think it’s cute to let their two-year-old make the decisions about what to buy in the bakery (Prenzlauer Berg); some have an eye-gouging amount of leopard print and women with permanently surprised expressions whose lips resemble pillows (Charlottenburg); some have a whole lot of nothing but towering grey apartment blocks as far as the eye can see – oh, and Gärten der Welt (Marzahn-Hellersdorf).

Get to know your neighbours

A great way to see who your potential new neighbours might be is to ride the public transport. Hop on the U1 in the direction of Warschauer Strasse and, at around Prinzenstrasse, all of the relatively “normal” people disappear to be replaced by the great unwashed, the drunk, the drugged, the loud, the pierced, the tattooed, the holey, the beardy and the weirdy. Nearing either of the Hermann stations on the U8, you’ll suddenly notice that the predominant language in your carriage has switched to Turkish.

Berlin. Where you can find a 100 m² apartment for €100 a month…

Yeah, about that. No. Just no. It’s time to leave la-la land and join us back here in the real world. A lot of people come to Berlin with rather ridiculous expectations and are quite shocked to find that apartments here do actually cost money. Real money. How about that?

Since most people are appalled at the thought of living (shock horror) OUTSIDE THE RING, here’s an idea of what you’ll be paying for a 100 m² flat in a few of the more popular districts inside the ring.

Friedrichshain: €1,663

Kreuzberg: €1,246

Mitte: €1,625

Prenzlauer Berg: €1,417

Charlottenburg: €1,440

If you’ve picked yourself up off the floor and dusted off your broken dreams of being a hipster artist in Kreuzberg, we can continue. Of course, this is just an indication. It’s possible to find much cheaper and, most likely, much more expensive apartments – it just takes time. The rental market in Berlin is pretty brutal so be prepared for a lot of rejection before you find your perfect pad. Or consider looking OUTSIDE THE RING…

How safe is Berlin?

Obviously, this varies from district to district but, on the whole, Berlin is relatively safe in comparison to other major cities. Walking around or taking public transport after dark usually isn’t a problem and, if you’re a woman, you’ll also be largely left to your own devices. Unless you want to be asked if you want to buy drugs 15 times in 15 minutes, you should probably avoid Görlitzer Park and the surrounding streets, although the police have helpfully drawn little pink circles on the ground which the drug dealers are kindly asked to stay inside… According to crime statistics, Alexanderplatz, Karl-Marx-Allee and Kurfürstendamm are also hot spots. As in all big cities, use your common sense and you should be fine. Unfortunately, some people struggle with this simple concept.

I still can’t decide…

OK, let us break it down for you. Pretty much every district in Berlin has expansive green spaces, playgrounds, a wide variety of supermarkets, shops, cafes, restaurants and bars, healthcare facilities, gyms, libraries, banks and everything else you need for your everyday existence. If you’re raising a family here, however, you may want to consider moving a little further out to avoid the seedier aspects of Berlin. If you’re still undecided, here’s a short questionnaire. Whichever questions you answer “yes” to, that’s the district for you!

(Warning: may contain sweeping generalisations.)

Friedrichshain:

Do you find mounds of broken furniture and household appliances on the street appealing? Do you feel comfortable around hordes of idiots?

Kreuzberg:

Are you a hipster? Do you like wearing trousers that don’t reach your ankles? Do you enjoy street art? Do you feel at home around entitled start-up brats?

Neukölln:

Are you a hipster? Do you like Turkish food? Do you like Turkish music? Is the sound of car horns beeping at a Turkish wedding music to your ears?

Wedding:

Do you like Turkish food? Do you like Turkish music? Is the sound of car horns beeping at a Turkish wedding music to your ears?

Prenzlauer Berg:

Do you like walking at a snail’s pace because you can’t get around the three-deep baby buggies in front of you? Do you like waiting half an hour to order a bread roll? Do you like yoga? Do you believe in the power of healing pebbles? Are you a vegan? Do you consider gentrification a good thing?

Charlottenburg:

Do you like a bit of luxury? Are you a fan of Botox? Does the Russian language make your knees tremble?

Schöneberg:

Are you a leather daddy?

Marzahn-Hellersdorf:

Do you like GDR architecture? Do you… (hmm, not much else to say here).

And there you have it – your definitive guide to finding your place in Berlin. Good luck!

Time to start learning German

Learning German is a great way to gain some understanding of the German people and culture. It’s an even better way to give yourself premature grey hairs. Yep, German is not the easiest language in the world, that’s for sure. But hey, you probably already know more than you think you do – Kindergarten, Wanderlust, Wunderkind, Schadenfreude, Hinterland – now you just need to learn all the words that go around those words. The Duden (dictionary of the German language) helpfully added 5,000 more words a couple of years ago so this may take you a while. But your attitude towards learning the language will make a big difference to how quickly you make progress.

What kind of expat are you?

In general, expats in Germany can be divided into four groups:

·       The people who don’t bother because “everyone speaks English anyway” (a common misconception), or they work for an international company so they don’t need German for work, or they’re just “not really a language person”.

·       The people who arrive with every intention of learning German but then work is busy, the kids need their dinner, lessons are too early, lessons are too late, lessons are too expensive, it’s dark, it’s raining, German is hard…

·       The people who think they speak German because they can wow their friends by ordering a “Bier, bitte” and actually receive a beer.

·       The people who will stop at nothing until they’ve tamed this majestic beast of a language (albeit with the odd misplaced die, der, das, den, dem, dessen… thrown in). 

Do I really need to learn German?

Well now, that’s a bit of a silly question, isn’t it? You wouldn’t move to Spain without speaking Spanish or England without speaking English, would you? Yet, for some reason, foreigners move to Germany in droves thinking that they’ll get by just fine without learning the language. And, admittedly, in some parts of the bigger cities, it’s possible to do just that.

However, your life here will be infinitely easier if you reach even a passable level of German. Just think how wonderful you’ll feel if you’re able to function as a normal human being! From the little things like ordering your own “Kaffee und Kuchen” or being able to understand what the sweet old lady on the bus is saying to you, to knocking the socks off that world-weary, unsuspecting paper pusher in the Bürgeramt. That, my friends, is what they call Satisfaction.

You’ll also be able to amaze and impress your friends by dropping cryptic, intellectual-sounding snippets into conversations. “Well guys, you know, everything has an end, only the sausage has two. (Pause for effect.) Oh, sorry, that’s what we say in German…” Prepare for your social standing to go up a notch or two.

What’s the best way to learn German?

Unfortunately, learning a language isn’t like buying a Jack Wolfskin bum bag – there is no one size fits all. Luckily, this is German and there are tonnes of options out there. Private lessons, group lessons, online lessons, language-learning apps or books, meet-ups… the list is endless so try something on for size; if it fits, stick with it, if not, try something else.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of German classes?

Like anything else, it’s hit or miss. There are loads of language schools out there and most offer a free trial lesson. Volkshochschule is intended specifically for adults and it’s also the cheapest option with classes starting at around €69. Signing up for a course obviously takes commitment so you’ll need to set aside a few hours once or twice a week, or several hours a day depending on how intensive your course is.

It’s a good idea to choose a school close to where you live or work so that even when motivation is low, you’d feel guilty about not going since you’re practically walking past the door. The good news is that you’ll get to hear a real live native German speaker using the language, the bad news is that you’ll also spend quite a bit of time listening to Vlad from Russia or Yoshi from Japan spewing terrible German in thick accents. Private lessons – either in person or online – are the best way to avoid this but, of course, these will be more expensive. Some international companies are kind enough to offer free German lessons to their employees so, if this is the case, make sure you take advantage.  

What are the best apps for learning German?

There are a multitude of apps out there to help you learn German – some are great, some are not, some are free, some have free components, others you have to pay for. The beauty of apps is that you can actually do something useful on your mobile phone instead of just walking around staring at it and getting in other people’s way. You can even start in your home country so you’re a bit more prepared when you first set foot on German soil. So, quit the little game where you join the brightly coloured ball with the other brightly coloured balls and grow some balls in German instead; even five to ten minutes a day can make a big difference. Here are a few of the more popular apps:

·       Duolingo – great for the basics. Starts from pretty much zero and gets more difficult as you work your way up the language “tree”. Good for practising grammar structure.

·       Busuu – covers all areas of language acquisition (reading, writing, speaking, listening). Sample dialogues for different situations, including in the workplace.

·       Babbel – teaches you new vocabulary and phrases through a mix of sound recordings, images and text. Also has speech recognition to help with pronunciation.

·       Memrise – a flashcard app for studying vocabulary.

Formal lessons or apps aren’t for me

No problem! If you’re a sporty person, join a fitness class – you’ll at least learn useful words like arm, leg, head, raise, lower, and “GIB GAS”! If you’re more of the sitting and drinking persuasion, just find your nearest dodgy bar and strike up a conversation with the jolly old codgers who’ve been sitting in the same spot for the last 40 years.

You also have the major advantage of living in Germany. You’re surrounded by the language every day so unpeel your eyes from your Handy (mobile phone) and take note of what’s around you. Read posters, examine advertisements, eavesdrop on that couple on the bus. What did she call him? An Arsch mit Ohren? Arse with ears!? YES! Thank you, German, you absolute beauty of a language!

Listen to the radio, or just have it on in the background. If a film or TV programme is too much for you, watch a couple of ads or listen to a song. If reading a book is too challenging, read a newspaper or magazine article, a blog post, an ad. Ask questions – Germans just love Germansplaining and will be more than happy to help you out.

If “ich bin raus” is “I’m out”, is “ich bin rein” “I’m in”?

NEIN! Ich bin dabei!

If I can say “damit”, can I also say “darohne”?

NEIN!

Yes, for a lovably logical people, you’ll soon learn that the language can be anything but.

Don’t give up

Will you sound like a bit of a simpleton at first? Yeah, probably. But think how much entertainment you’ll provide to your German friends as you directly translate from your mother tongue. “Es ist nicht vorbei bis die dicke Frau singt” (it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings) or “wir spielen das beim Ohr” (we’ll play it by ear) – of course neither of these work in German but it’s always fun to watch a German keel over in laughter. Keep at it, keep asking questions, keep trying new things. Have fun with it, don’t be afraid to make mistakes or laugh at yourself. If you’re losing sleep over die, der, das, a muttered “d…”  sound could save your life. You’ll get there in the end!

The Gitti Series

The misadventures of Gitti, the unluckiest woman in Germany – odes to love, loss and Hausratversicherung

Gitti and the Burglars

Gitti lay dreaming

Of all things German

Of Bratwurst and Bier

And her boyfriend named Hermann.

But wait,

What was that?

A footstep, a creak?

She listened again

Heard voices speak.

She sat bolt upright

Now fully awake

In the next room,

She heard a vase break.

Now, Gitti, our girl,

Was no shrinking violet

In soundless Hausschuhe

She crept past the toilet.

She opened her cupboard

And went through her tools

Found what she needed

To deal with these fools.

She switched on the light

And feeling quite plucky

Pickaxe in hand

Hollered “Do you feel lucky?”

A crash from the next room

A shout, a bawl

Gitti gave chase

As they raced down the hall.

Out through the door

And into the night

“Verdammt!” Gitti yelled

With all of her might.

She went through her flat

To see what was taken

Her laptop, her tablet

Her English-style bacon.

Pouring herself

A large glass of wine

She called Hermann

To tell of this Schwein-on-Schwein crime.

Hermann was soothing

Admired her endurance

Asked if she had

Home contents insurance.

“Oh, Hermann so German

Joy oh joy, JA!

I do, I do!

I do with Coya!”

She called the police

And filed a report

Of all that was missing

From laptop to pork.

She contacted Coya

And told them her story

Backed up with photos

Receipts and inventory.

They checked it all out

The claim was good

They’d process brave Gitti

As fast as they could.

The chapter was closed

She felt full of cheer

She invited Hermann

Out for a Bier.

“Hermann, mein Schatz

You’re so reassuring

Without you

I’d never have thought of insuring.”

Hermann just smiled

Gitti’s breath caught

Only a German

Could make insurance seem hot.

Gitti and the Water Damage 

Gitti was so happy

Her Hermann was amazing

He had just moved in with her

Her heart it was a-blazing.

Gitti and Hermann

Cohabitation glee

She separated garbage

And he sat down to pee.

Everything was rosy

They loved their little flat

She thought her luck was changing

‘Til Hermann said “What’s that?”

She looked where he was pointing

Almost dropped her drink

Something green and fluffy

There behind the sink.

They called their local plumber

Who soon confirmed the worst,

Green and fluffy everywhere

A water pipe had burst.

Everything would have to go

The walls, the sink, the floor

Fixing it would take at least

A month, or two, or more.

Life without a kitchen

Just could not be endured

But thanks to Hermann’s Germanness

Of course they were insured!

They took lots of photos

Got info from their plumber

Filled in the simple online form

Telling Coya of this bummer.

Alles war in Ordnung

Repairs they would be paid for

They’d get to stay in a hotel –

That’s what Hausrat is made for.

They checked in, unpacked their stuff

And what did Gitti see?

Could it be, could it really be…

Hermann on one knee?

Three months later, back at home

Coya had saved their life

And Gitti knew, without a doubt,

She was born to be Hermann’s wife…

Gitti and the Storm 

The big day was coming

With so much to do

What kind of cake?

Who’d sit beside who?

Now Hermann being German

He made an agenda

Went on and on and on

Fast ohne Ende.

Not so for Gitti

Her thoughts were on romance

Would Hermann cry?

How about their first dance?

One thing she knew

The day would be stellar

Her beautiful dress

She hid in the cellar.

How could they know

Poor Gitti and Hermann

Life had other plans

In the shape of Storm Mermann.

The window frames rattled

As old Mermann wailed

Brought thunder and lightning

Downpours and hail.

The flat was unscathed

The cellar unlucky

The whole thing had flooded

Her dress torn and mucky.

Everything would be OK

Hermann reassured

Reminded her he’s German

So of course, they were insured.

They made a call to Coya

Told them of their trouble

Sent in photos and receipts

To fix this on the double.

Mermann had wreaked havoc

Damage everywhere

But Coya worked their hardest

To sort out this affair.

Their claim was quickly processed

The wedding back on track

Gitti glowed in white

Hermann rocked in black.

She gazed into his eyes

Her Hermann, straight and true

Pinched herself as she said

I do, I do, I do!

She could scarce believe it

As they walked through the sunshine

They had really done it

She was… Frau Hermannstein!

Later at the party

Drinking Sekt and lager

The guests they sang along

To all the greatest Schlager.

Gitti beamed at Hermann

He really was a looker

Hmm, she wondered idly

Did I turn off the cooker?

Gitti and the Fire

Gitti and Hermann

Home from their wedding

Eager at last

To get into their bedding.

But no, what was this?

Tonight of all nights!

The wailing of sirens

And blue flashing lights.

Fingers crossed

It wasn’t their place

But deep down she knew

This wasn’t the case.

Tears in their eyes

Fingers pinched noses

As the firemen swung

Their lengthy hoses…

Crisis averted

The damage was small

Couldn’t they live

With no kitchen or hall?

“NEIN” said Hermann

“Ach Mensch, au weia”

Yet again,

We’ll have to call Coya.

They dialled the number

Told their sad situation

Glad once again

Of his insurance fixation.

As this was their fourth claim

They’d send in an adjuster

Just to make sure

Their claim passed muster.

The claim was checked

Declared to be valid

Just one more verse

In Gitti’s luckless ballad.

They’d rent another flat

No need to be scared

They could both stay there

While the damage was repaired.

Their lives could be resumed

Get back to their old tricks

Go for nice long walks

With their Nordic walking sticks.

Thank god for insurance

Versicherung in German

And Gitti thanked her lucky stars

That she still had her Hermann.